life is just a bowl of cherries February 20, 2012

022012

Another day another dollar right?  Well, my husband and I were talking about how strange it seems that we don’t even miss church.  Life has been so hectic without being there that I haven’t had the time to miss it.  I think that missing people is what makes you miss a place.  Like when I stopped working for Xerox, I missed the people SO much.  Sadly, there is not one person, not one I miss.  Our pastor hasn’t even reached out once, only my ‘friend’ Michelle has text me a couple times to ask how I was.  But that was the first week…since then we haven’t heard a peep.  CRICKETS.  Well, does that make you feel loved or supported…not so much!  And I put ‘friend’ in quotes like that because I don’t consider ANY of these people my friends.  We don’t talk outside of ‘church’ events or anything to do with church.  So they only know me because I attend there.  In essence, they may know me by the spirit, but that is ALL that they know of me.  I haven’t formed a single relationship outside the bounds of those 4 walls.  That makes it even harder to want to go back.  I know that God has said clearly to me & my husband that we are supposed to be there, we just don’t want to be.  Neither of us do.  So I think the time away is good.  I am talking to God, not warring, not fighting, not yearning, but just living and talking to Him on occasion.  It is a different relationship right now.  Kind of a cooling off period I guess.  God never goes anywhere…He is always the same.  It’s us that are different, and we that have feelings and change our minds because of our flesh.  But I know that right now we have this time off and He is okay with it.  He knows that we need it and it’s giving us a chance to get to spend time with each other that we haven’t in a long time.  Friday nights were so rushed and crazy and busy and we were exhausted and done by the time we got home.  We were sleeping until at least 10 or 11 on Saturdays because of how wiped we were.  Now we can wind down from work without all the pressure of having to show up and be somewhere and BE something for someone.  We just both wanted to take some time to receive.  We might start hitting up Bridgepoint on Sundays because it’s a nice atmosphere…and a good message.  And we can just attend, and feel love instead of being sucked dry.  Which is how I currently feel.  I don’t know what to think about not fueling myself the right way…via God, because if I am fueling myself through God then He alone can replenish me.  But at the same time, when I was doing all these things for Him I was completely neglecting my family.  I wouldn’t be available to my Mom, who now we cook dinner for on Fridays so that she doesn’t have to worry about it because she comes home from traveling on Fridays.  And Tuesdays now my husband is spending with my grandma; I spend Thursdays and Saturdays.  That way we get 3 days in when we’re committed to her, and a day committed to my Mom.  We have 2 weeknights that we do appointments, i.e. web business for my husband and piano, chiropractor and acupuncture for me.  And one week end night (Sunday to ourselves.)  That doesn’t seem selfish to me…is that selfish?  Our marriage isn’t great right now.  And we need to be able to have really relaxing, restful, meaningful time together.  Do I think we can accomplish that without being selfish for a while?  No.  Because if we committed two more nights to something other than family and us we would have essentially, one weeknight to do all errands, appointments, etc.  And maybe, just maybe we’d still have our Sunday.  I am not willing to budge.  It’s been a long, long time since my family was a priority, and since I feel that this church has asked me to choose my priorities, whether it or my family will win…I chose.  I have chosen.  I don’t know when we’ll be back, whether a month from now or a year from now.  In all honesty, I don’t want to go back.  I am GLAD that we’re not there and I don’t miss it or church.  I still believe the same things that I believed before, but I don’t want to deal with another thing.  My plate is full.  And we can’t stuff any more in.  I just want to let it be.  God is awesome and has given me real peace about not being there.  I hardly even have the people or the church cross my mind, and I love that.  We have our life and we are finally really living it.  I won’t apologize for that.  They aren’t real friends anyway…not a one.

lost February 9, 2012

Well I haven’t really gotten any clear answers except that I am to stay and be an attendee at the church we’re at.  I think I can handle that; but I am exhausted.  Ironically, the Oswald Chambers devotional for today talks about Spiritual Exhaustion.  I know that it’s far more than that…I am mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted.  I feel today just like I want to crawl into a cave and hide.  It’s already started up with allergy season, almost a full month early, and that is playing into my physical exhaustion too.  My sinus’ are already a mess.  So at least for a month I want to be apart from the church, be with my family, gather our thoughts and plan for what we need to do.  I just found out that my grandma was in the hospital ER Sunday night and all day Monday as she had a panic attack.  This is the kind of stuff that we have to help her control…that she is okay being at her new place and doesn’t panic.  That upsets my aunt, who bitches at everyone then for not pulling their weight and doing their share, and it upsets my Mom that she can’t do more and she can’t be here to help more.  As I said a long time ago, I know I am not a family favorite, and that is okay.  I am who I am and I am not going to apologize for it.  If we can use the next month, through the weekend of St. Patties day, to just get a grip on everything and get some type of routine incorporated into our already booked to the max routine, I think we can at least attend church on Friday nights.  I believe that after a dream I had last night, the Lord wants me to attend Tuesday nights as well. 

I am going to read the book as I can, weekly a chapter at a time, to keep up with where the class would be.  But I read the first two (the book is Supernaturally Natural) and I didn’t get anything new from it.  I was also irked that I offered to buy the class the books, as we have Amazon Prime, which means free 2 day shipping on most items.  She ordered from the publisher and paid $5 more plus shipping…I simply refused to pay that fee and we bought ours on Amazon after all.  And with her ordering a full week + ahead of us, we got the book 2 days later and they still hadn’t received theirs.  Those are just things that make me feel unvalued.  Good gestures go unnoticed, unless it is specifically what is needed at that moment I am not important.  Sure, God is working on my value with me alone, but it is super sucky when you are in a group of 10-12 people and you don’t feel valued by any of them.  Especially the pastor, who in all honesty, used to be someone I loved very much. 

So the dream…I don’t remember a lot, but I remember asking God to give me dreams or visions or an angel or to show up big time so that I know what He wants from me and of me.  The dream was that I was with a group of people and we were working with troubled kids…they seemed to be in their teens to early twenties.  This boy I was working with everyone thought was mentally ill, but I felt that he had been tormented by demons.  I simply put my arm on him on his back and silently prayed for him.  His whole demeanor changed and he was suddenly alive and okay, he seemed almost happy.  I was thrilled and started telling the other workers that he wasn’t being tormented anymore, that he was better and happier.  The boy, his name was Patrick, (I will get to his name in a bit) went home and came back and started acting paranoid and scared again. So again, I prayed for him and he hugged me and said he could almost feel ‘it’ leave him.  I definitely did.  So then I realized that perhaps the demons were at his home/in his home.  I went to it, and it was a small and dirty trailer. I started praying loudly in tongues and casting out the demons and a dog went flying over the fence to get away from me.  That was all I remembered.  But I woke up to use the bathroom after that and felt clear that God was telling me that I had this within me and He just wanted me to stand.  Just like Nehemiah.  Stand and stay, He would take care of the rest.  I shouldn’t be at that church because I am loved, or even liked.  I should be there, receive what I am there to receive, give up my worship when I am there, and then when I can go He will let me go on to the next station.  I really am feeling like we’re going back to Bridgepoint, as I keep feeling strongly about BP in my heart.  But I don’t know. 

So I felt like there was a reason that this boy’s name was Patrick…obviously the first thing that came to mind was St. Patrick…and so I googled the name.  And I found: Patrick \p(a)-tri-ck, pat-rick\ as a boy’s name is pronounced PAT-rik. It is of Latin origin, and the meaning of Patrick is “patrician, noble“. The Latin original, Patricius, was a title. The Romans once were divided socially and politically into plebeians (commoners) and patricians (aristocrats). The famous Saint Patrick, patron of Ireland (fourth and fifth century) whose feast day is on March 17, has given the name its Irishassociations.  ALSO:

From the Latin name Patricius, which meant “nobleman”. This name was adopted in the 5th-century by SaintPatrick, whose birth name was Sucat. He was a Romanized Briton who was captured and enslaved in his youth by Irish raiders. After six years of servitude he escaped home, but he eventually became a bishop and went back to Ireland as a missionary. He is traditionally credited with Christianizing the island, and is regarded as Ireland’s patron saint.In England and elsewhere in Europe during the Middle Ages this name was used in honour of the saint. However, it was not generally given in Ireland before the 17th century because it was considered too sacred for everyday use. It has since become very common there. (I hope God gives me more about this over time because I am definitely interested in what it all means.)

Right now I feel alone.  I feel so lost and tired.  I deactivated my FB the other day, because I was tired of certain family drama, because I was overly sick of people who I have told a hundred times in a hundred different ways to STOP messaging me on FB as I don’t have time to read it, etc.  I was tired of the same boring and sad and lame and activist updates of people.  I just wanted to see if anyone cared or would notice that I was gone.  Well, one person did…a volunteer with me at the shelter.  She is the one person who noticed, cared, and understood.  The ‘church’ that I go to now, or attend, knows that I am all alone right now.  That my husband is questioning things and he is having a tough time with things, and that I need someone/people to lean on, and they have all but pulled totally away. 

I must sound absolutely pathetic which is okay, since no one reads this but me.  And I am all alone out in the blogosphere…just pining away at my pathetic-ness.

life sucks…and then you die February 8, 2012

So I rambled, ranted and raved the other day.  So yesterday was a stressful day in regards that I wasn’t feeling great, my phone was ringing off the hook for about the first 3 hours of work and my back was killing me.  I haven’t had back pain in quite some time so that was new and a puzzle to me.  Dave had a manic day and we were both running on empty by the time 5:30 came.  He even had to continue working, once he got home until almost 7pm.  We are currently going through a lot of changes.  Our marriage needs work.  Why because we’re basically like friends who live together and the romance is dead.  That’s not good…we want kids and a happy life, etc.  So that is our #1 priority for 2012.  We haven’t had any chance to work on it yet though…no time Church has begun to feel like a guilt trip more than anything…neither of us enjoy going anymore, we don’t have friends or anyone that we are close to out of the 12 regular people who attend.  Everyone has their group and we’re alone not in any.  We’re just asked to do a lot and never thanked and never loved on.  We’re exhausted.  I get overwhelmed and totally exasperated when I have too many things going on.  I can’t do too many things at once because something always falls through the cracks.

This time, we decided to rest, stay home, try to spend some time together, get to bed early.  Dave shot a text to our pastor and was told ‘consider yourself and Marti relieved of any expectations.’  So in essence F* off.  My initial reaction was to be pissed off.  I prayed about it and God told me that we aren’t done yet at this church.  He said He had everyone pull back from us because He wants us to draw near to Him.  The hard part is I feel like I am alone, totally alone there.  Unloved, unwanted, uncared for.  And totally and completely disconnected.  He told me that He wants me to be there until I am totally released and released properly.  Right now all I want to do is rest, I just want to go to church, be an attendee and leave.  I feel like there will be some major breakthrough that I have if I lay down the things He is asking me to, namely my pride and sense of need, and just go.  I haven’t gotten a clear ‘rest’ message from Him.  I haven’t gotten the aok to leave at this point, but for now I am considering taking a month off.  A month to visit my grandmother 2 extra days a week so that I see her 4/7 days and a month to cut out the distraction and guilt that this church has been making me feel for almost 8 months. 

All that I know about church is that it is supposed to be like a family.  A group of people who love one another and are open and honest.  I haven’t been able to be open and honest because when I was…everyone just let me down.  Honestly I am in a debacle.  I feel that if I stay, it’s going to be so hard and so sad and so awful.  But if I go, am I being disobedient to Him and walking away from His promise?  I don’t know.  I am just tired and want to focus on what’s right.  It’s been a long time since family or my marriage was part of my top 3.  So right now there isn’t room for anything else with #1 marriage, #2 family and #3 health…I need a real intervention from Him now in the next few days…prior to Friday night church.  At this point I never want to go back and I never want to see or hear from any of those fake people again.  I am so distraught over their actions because they are speaking far louder than any words I have heard.

helloooooooooo is there anyone there?! February 2, 2012

Well it’s been over a year, not quite 2 since I last blogged.  So much in life has changed it is not even funny.  I went from working for a horrible man who didn’t care about anyone but himself (think Scrooge…REALLY) with little vacation (5 days sick and vacation combined…woooooo) and no benefits to quitting without having a job last June.  THANK GOD I did that, and I really followed the Lord’s leading on that as well.  But THANK GOD I did that.  I was becoming totally depressed and lacked any self worth at all.  It was super hard.  I was so miserable I cried out to God all the time.  I still don’t understand why He made me work there and what it was preparing me for, but I stayed until I was released.  I will never forget the day I was finally released in March of 2011.  I kept on trying to sit down and tell my employer that I wanted to give my 2 weeks but that didn’t actually end up happening until April 19, 2011.  He was on yet another rant about how I had messed something up and how I never did anything right and how I just wasn’t improving, etc.  and I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I couldn’t muster up another apology that was for something completely out of my control.  SO I said ‘This isn’t working,’ and that stopped him in his tracks and he said ‘What?’  I said I can’t do this anymore, it’s not working out for me.  I don’t want to work for you anymore.  I gave him the option of me staying two weeks, as a professional notice would be, or for me to work through the end of May to support him through the end of the fiscal year for his business.  I swear in some ways he is bipolar because he started screaming at me and told me to get out and pack up all my stuff and that I should just go and I just sat there.  I walked out of his office and felt a HUGE weight lift off of me.  I was FREE!  The next day I came into work, knowing full well that he would freak out and realize he couldn’t survive without replacing me first, so I might as well be prepared and show up than have him call me at home after I am already relaxed and have to go all the way there.  So of course, he came in the next day and didn’t even have the balls to speak to me.  But called at the end of the day to apologize for his reaction and pretty much beg me to stay.  The next 6 weeks was so easy at that job…and my last day was amazing.  I couldn’t be happier to exit that hell hole. 

The next part of my life was the longest 2 months ever.  I was literally exhausted and depressed and so unhappy that it took me two weeks just to get my act together.  I had foster kittens, which I picked up Memorial Day weekend and I had 4 babies (by babies they were about 4 weeks old and all under a pound when I got them.  Flea infested and pathetic, and SO filthy.)  So, the first week of June one passed away suddenly.  That rocked me and totally changed my life.  I was so sad for weeks after Smith died.  I blamed God because I thought He had told me that Smith would be okay, I swore the Lord told me ‘I have him,’ and yet Smith didn’t make it.  A few weeks later we took home Remy, a kitten about 4 months old, who had severe anxiety and agression towards people.  Remy was super incredibly sick with Upper Respiratory and got the other 3 kittens I had sick.  We had Remy for less than 24 hours that first time and took her back to the shelter to be cared for, since I didn’t have enough skill to handle her.  A few weeks later Marvin, the larger and always healthier of the two orange tabbies of the litter started acting strangely, then he suddenly passed away.  It hurt so much.  I have had my eldest cat for 17 years this April, Zoe will be 17 on 3/8.  So I have NEVER lost a pet.  And two in one month was unbearable.  Bruce, the other orange tabby, and Thomas the all black kitten became my boys.  I poured all the love that I had and that I could muster up into those two.  My youngest kitty, Cole, who is a very big 2 year old absolutely LOVED the kittens.  He played with them, groomed and cleaned them and loved them.  Remy came back to us shortly after 4th of July and we had her for about 6 weeks.  She went from hiding all the time and not wanting anything to do with people to sleeping with us EVERY night and sitting with us on the couch, being cuddled and almost a lap cat.  On August  25th I took Bruce and Thomas to be put up for adoption at the shelter.  I wanted to keep them both, I loved them both so dearly but knew that they weren’t mine to keep.  To this day I still question my decision on giving up Bruce.  He was SO my cat.  He loved me so much, like I have never ever been loved.  I am still SO sad about Bruce being mine for just a short time.  I miss both of the boys, but me and Bruce, or Roostie as I called him (because he cried loudly like a little Rooster when he wanted me) were something special.

I also went through a huge spiritual war and had to walk through some very difficult things.  I had to kill ‘Natalie’ who was like my evil alter ego.  She was a spirit that held the very worst in me.  In early September, we rid me of her.  I felt new and fresh and totally free for a while.  Then everything started to disconnect again.  My Grandmother had a mini stroke on Halloween and had to be moved to the hospital.  She was in the hospital until November, then moved to a rehab facility, then to a nursing home and yesterday finally to an ALF.  She isn’t doing well.  She has a horrible time with her short term memory.  She can’t remember from one moment to the next and has already forgotten most people who aren’t family.  I felt at least that our family, for once was getting closer and things were going pretty well. 

In November, with us spending more and more time with my grandma our health was getting worse and we were exhausted from not sleeping enough and life was becoming messy.  Thank goodness for my job.  I started it in August, but it literally has not been busy since then.  When I say busy, I mean to say that the job I worked at before I worked 9 or 10 hour days without lunch most days and still had so much to do.  This job is a 40 hour job, and I get to take lunch, and have a life and leave on time.  I have two great bosses…one here in FL and one remote.  I have a great environment here, benefits are cheap and good, I have loads of vacation time.  So much that I don’t even know what to do with it!  I have 18 days my first year.  18 days!!!  That is almost the entire month of February!  So at least my work life is good.  And since that is a good portion of one’s life, I shall NOT complain about it!  Starting here in August, it’s been nearly 7 months and I can honestly say I LOVE it here.  I don’t feel totally accepted by the staff yet, but I love my boss’ and have one co-worker who is a good friend.  That’s all you need right!  And a good paying job

So December was rather touch and go with trips and special occassions…our schedules were still all wacked and crazy.  When the new year rolled around, God clearly told me to settle down and sit.  He started taking all sorts of things from me…I used to clean a friend’s home…not for the money, even though they paid me; but I did it to help her because I loved her and her health made it difficult for her to do.  God said no more, you don’t have time and you don’t need the money.  I committed to the shelter for 4 hours a week, but that is more like a respite…I can get away and have 0 problems, 0 stress, 0 upset and just focus on helping the shelter and loving up on the animals.  BEST decision.

But the hardest thing for me is that I have almost been made alone.  I feel SO lonely.  My husband and I don’t talk…he isn’t a real touchy feelie talk about what’s wrong, what’s bothering me type of guy.  He is more to himself and doesn’t really understand my needs.  Do I think he’s great, yes.  He is wonderful.  He is supportive of me, he helps out at home, but there is no connection.  I am completely uninterested in intimacy because I feel totally disconnected from him.  I feel so totally disconnected with my church as well.  A lot of changes have happened, and there are clicques that have formed.  Within those cliques, people have their own special relationships and care and love for one another…and my husband and I are not included.  We don’t fit into any of the groups and we don’t have an external relationship with any of them.  What makes it so difficult is that we’re a church of like 20 people.  Since October when my grandma started going through all that she is going through, and my family started going through this, one person…just one girl made herself available to me.  ONE.  And she has pulled back on her time with the church as we weren’t her primary church home, she just comes to do worship once a week on Fridays.  She cared, listened and prayed for me and my family.  But not one person IN our church body, in our fellowship extended themselves to us.  I remember being a part of a much larger church who has almost 1000 members or so now and we weren’t nearly as involved or connected.  But if we missed a service someone called or texted or FB messaged us.  Someone cared.  When Dave went out of town, I was invited to dinner at other family’s homes.  We were cared for and loved.  I don’t get that feeling at all anymore.  We once were valued but that care and value and love are gone.  It’s like we’re there but not there.  Our pastor went from SO loving us to barely speaking to us unless she needs something.  That was so painful because I saw her as a mentor and second mother.  God told me not to find value in myself through what others think…but truthfully, honestly, I need some human validation. 

I just went through the process of really forgiving some people who had hurt me more than I can explain.  I successfully did that, it felt SO good to let go.  Two of those people were my father, and my step-father.  Neither of whom I am in contact with much, and neither of whom were there for me or truly raised me.  Now, it seems like a flood wall has broken.  All of a sudden my father wants to visit me…I haven’t seen him in almost 6 years and the only reason I saw him then was because he came to my wedding, that I didn’t want to invite him to.  And now my step-father calls me out of the blue….and just emailed me some stupid business venture thing he is doing now (he spent ALL his money and now is relying on this last venture to work, which it won’t because it’s to do with internet marketing and he hasn’t the first clue about it…not to mention the websites he has done look like crap!)  and I unsubscribed.  To which I get a response of well if that’s how I am going to respond then good luck to me.  WTF?!

So I am going to call my step-brother because I owe him a call (from like a month ago…) and because I think that my step-dad is finally gone mental.  The hard thing is, my Mom is depressed and sad and frustrated because of having to handle everything financially for my grandma.  My Aunt is here, so she is doing most of the visits and emergency calls, etc.  And they need me and my husband to step up to visit her a few times a week.  When my Mom told me this the first reaction was we can’t!  Mondays I have piano lessons until 6, then I exercise for 30 minutes then we rush to make dinner, lunch for the next day, etc.  Tuesday we have a book study at church, Wednesday it’s workout day again, Thursday I am supposed to start violin lessons…Friday church, Saturday the shelter.  Sunday is our ONLY day alone. 

As I started thinking about it I realized that church had to be put on the back burner for once.  We’ve dedicated SO much time to them over the last 3 1/2 years and now we’re feeling like we’re not even loved or cared for there anymore.  God hasn’t released us, but I KNOW we’re okay to take a break.  It’s going to have to be at least a month to help settle my grandma in.  My husband and I need to work on our relationship #1, we need to continue getting healthy #2, (we started a fitness plan on 1/5/12 and a diet plan on 1/24/12, and are doing really good with both!) and #3 has to be our family.  We are making the world smaller by focusing on what is important to us right now.  And we have to.  I have to be there for my family and honor them and do what is right.  If my church doesn’t understand that, or will not understand that, then I will stay there for as long as I am told by God upon returning in March or April even, but I will not be made to feel guilty.  We haven’t put a priority on our relationship or our family in at least a year, and that must change.  My heart is so a mess right now because I hate disappointing people.  But I also hate feeling lonely and disparaged and unloved.  I have to take care of myself and my family now.  So as hard as it may be, it’s time.  If my church really loves me, we’ll see if anyone steps up to reach out to us.  If not, then I believe they will turn away from us.  In my heart I feel they already have.

Wish me luck…well, I doubt anyone really reads this.  But I needed to write it.  I am hurting and needed to get it out.  In a way it’s all a prayer, because I guess I am just talking to God.  But in a way, it’s a cry for help because I feel all alone and like not a soul in the world really knows or cares for me right now.